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Meridian Tries to Put Positive Spin on College Tour





- satire

Meridian Tries to Put Positive Spin on College Tour


"Okay everyone, over here we have Douglass Dining Hall, which was recently renovated and definitely deserved all the hype that it got during construction,” an anonymous Meridian reportedly informed wide-eyed prospective students touring the River Campus for the first time. “I love the new setup, it’s really trendy and doesn’t make you feel weirdly exposed at all while you’re eating with a small group of friends.” The tour guide continued to show the upcoming freshmen the academic quad, pointing out the locations of many introductory courses.
"Right here is Hoyt Auditorium, where your chemistry professor will get to know each and every one of you and care very much that you’re planning on going pre-med.” The Meridian herded the prospects and their parents into Rush Rhees Library, gesturing vaguely at the lobby, and continued. “This is the iconic Rush Rhees, which is a great place to study during finals week and, like all our buildings, is kept adequately warm during the winter months. Which aren’t that cold, by the way.”
"Hillside is right here on the first floor of Susan B. Anthony Hall, and is a really great place to get fairly priced food,” the Meridian continued. “I loved living in Sue B, and I really liked my roommate at the time. It’s pretty rare for someone to not get along with the random person the school assigns you to live with for the year.” The group continued on and the Meridian began speaking about the open curriculum and AP tests, which the Meridian assured would count toward college credit. “The only required course is one writing class, but I’m sure if you’ve already completed a college level course in writing you can work something out with the school,” the Meridian explained. “It’s not like they would make you take an intro level writing course twice.”
Making their way toward the Hajim School, the Meridian stopped to point out Wegmans Hall. “This is the future home of our state of the art Institute for Data Science,” the Meridian proudly exclaimed. “Honestly I’m surprised at how little time it took to build, but even more interesting and completely coincidental is how completion of external construction happened to perfectly line up with Meliora Weekend, when wealthy alumni come to visit the University.”
Parents nodded happily, pointing to various buildings and speaking excitedly to their sons and daughters. Rounding up the group and heading back toward Rush Rhees, the Meridian was spotted walking along the Joseph C. Wilson Boulevard. “Here, we have Wallis Hall, where the admissions and financial aid offices are housed,” he said, pointing to his right. “This is where your applications were extensively reviewed for objective criteria that determine whether or not you deserve to be here,” the Meridian explained, "and also where the amount of debt you will owe for the next decade or two is decided." A kind looking mother of a prospective freshman raised her hand for the Meridian to call on her.
“I know that college has gotten pretty expensive, but would you say that it’s worth the cost to come here? They aren’t going to arbitrarily raise the cost of attendance each year, are they?”
A tight smile spread across the Meridian’s face, tears welling in his eyes. "Oh no," he said. "No, they wouldn’t do that."