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Loyola senior drops out of school to grow old in Cancun



Loyola University Maryland


- satire

Loyola senior drops out of school to grow old in Cancun

Spring break forever

Katie Kazmierski


CANCUN—Dom Tanner, a senior, has reportedly “found himself” in Cancun while on spring break. Feeling what he calls a “soul connection” with Cancun, Tanner has decided he will miss his flight back to Baltimore Sunday, opting to stay on spring break indefinitely.

“Staying here just seems to make a lot more sense to me than going back to Loyola to graduate in a few months,” Tanner says, thoughtfully taking a sip from his oversized souvenir rum bucket. “It just like, clicked. Why should I stress about finding a job after graduation, if I could just like, continue to shotgun beers on the beach for the rest of my life?”

Shirtlessly toting his backpack full of Bud Lite from the pool, to the beach, to the pool again, and to the gas station that sells juul pods, Tanner has never felt more in his own skin than here in Cancun, which he just learned is actually in Mexico. He has mastered the art of ‘accidentally’ kicking soccer balls directly toward girls who pass him and his bros on the beach as a means of saying hello, and has talked his way out of getting kicked out of a total of 17 tiki bars.

Tanner smirks at his fellow spring breakers already compiling a folder of their “take me back” tbt photos to be posted on Instagram in a week when school starts back again, knowing he will remain in Cancun for the rest of his days.

At press time, Tanner texted his parents to tell them the good news, followed by a video of himself taking a shot from a girl’s flip-flop and shouting “reply chug”.